There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
