Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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