someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
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