Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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