He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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