She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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