my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
