It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
