your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
