ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
