dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
