Umm I'm too high to move.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
