K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
