I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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