wrigley field is MILF paradise
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
