He asked to "fluff my boner.."
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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