apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
