My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i think i have two assholes
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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