gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
