I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
