Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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