What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Randomize
