Quick, to the slutcave!
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
