Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
