If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
