im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
