Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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