My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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