I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
