a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
