Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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