he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
