Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Please don't give away my fajitas
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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