Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
