you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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