Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
My cat gives me a boner
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
