my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
