You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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