yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
