Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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