Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
