Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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