He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
