The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
This baby is an asshole
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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