Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
