i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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