Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
