she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
