I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
