that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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